May 9, 2016

This Time Last Year...

It's been a year and I haven't moved on completely. It's been a year and it seems like it only happened yesterday. The pain I felt, the tears I shed, are all still fresh.

Tears are not enough to tell you how much It hurt me. Words can't even fill my wounded heart from aching. I was even sent literally to the hospital for a shortage of breathing because of crying every minute, and because of that my asthma came back. 

The trust I gave, the time I invested, all were gone because of what you did. I was okay before, but ever since you cheated I feel nothing but insecurities, trust issues & doubt for every person I meet. Are you satisfied now? Was there a satisfaction in you knowing that until now I'm still hurting?

You keep on saying it won't happen again, I want to believe you, but the problem is I can't. It's not just about you cheating, it's also about you lying. Lying who you are talking to, lying about where are you going, lying about who's with you, lying about almost every single thing. How can I believe your 'I love you's' if I can't even trust you again? How can I believe your 'I'll be back immediately' if  you always come back late? How can I even believe you if I can't trust you anymore?

I tried to be away from you, but you're the one who's coming back. If you don't want me gone from your life, then why'd you cheat? Why'd you kept me while you talked to her? Why'd you say you want to see me yet you were making other plans with this girl? I only had one question for you, "Why'd you do it?" I waited for your answer, you said you don't know twice. I gave you another chance and asked you again, you said I was the reason why'd you do it. It's because of my attitude that's why you were forced to look for someone. Why blame me for fuck sake? You had a choice, you could tell it to me and end it sooner with her or not tell me at all and keep it from me. And yet you did the second one. So, that's why those times you were so eager to break up with me.

You really thought I wouldn't find out? You actually thought I won't find it out? I knew it even before I read your conversations with this girl. I'm just too stupid to ignore it. And when I learned it's true, it shattered me.  And when I found it out, I asked for space but you were the one who had the guts to tell me that you're not coming back. I have one thing on my mind when you said that, "How dare you?" After all the cheating and the lying you're still the one who shamelessly tell me you are not going back? Were you not selfish enough? Were you not full of shit enough when you tried to hide this from me?

How was it making plans with her? What activities did you plan when you decided you want to hang out with her? I can't believe  the fact that you are more sweet to her than me. You send good night & good morning chats more often to her than your own girlfriend. Or was I? Was I even your girlfriend that time or just a props? Was I never enough?

That time, I received a lot of sorry's from you. You apologized a hundred times, even the girl apologized. I've had always thought that a single sorry could fix everything, but boy was I wrong. But why is it after everything you did, I always end up forgiving you? Why am I more concern for what you think than what I feel? Why did I felt a sting inside me when you said you are not coming back? Even though I try to deny it a thousand times, why do I still love you so much?

It's been a year and I haven't moved on completely, but every day you prove to me you are slowly changing. I may have brought it up to you numerous times, but you always say you won't let it happen again, and I believe you now.

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